Do you understand why things happen to you? Especially when you believe you’ve been doing the right things for the right reasons, and maybe even going above and beyond. That is where I’ve been for the last month. My position at Care Net is the Abortion Recovery Director. This part of Care Net is called C.A.R.E. (Confidential Abortion Recovery Experience). I’ve always faced hardships at times when I am organizing CARE classes. These classes are for women and men who have abortion in their past. We take them through a study that is more like a Bible study than anything else. This gives them the opportunity to find deeper healing or sometimes initial healing from their abortion. Because of the freedom that these men and women experience, I can count on some out of the ordinary occurrences such as vehicle breakdowns, then there are relationship struggles which include heighten tensions at home; technology problems at the office, etc. (Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”) But these last 6 weeks have been brutal. I’ve had unending weeks of vehicle problems, physical problems, financial strains related to our business and over-the-top internet/computer problems.
I’ve been asking God why. Checking myself to make sure my relationship is in right standing with Him. Asking for wisdom to see if there is some underlying issue I’ve been unaware of. And for the most part, I’ve been coming up empty. He’s not telling me!
So, now what? What is my attitude supposed to be? I have walked long enough with the Lord to know that these things all have a purpose, but I may not know on this side of eternity what that purpose is. (Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Still, I’m not one to just sit back and do nothing. I am where I am in my life because I have always pushed ahead. At first this was my way of surviving. I had a choice as a child to withdraw and/or settle with my life or to fight and/or persevere. I, unknowingly became a fighter; I did not just allow things to happen. Believe me, things did happen that I didn’t have control over, but I never accepted them as being normal. I knew deep down that I couldn’t stay that way and the drive in me kept me fighting.
Thankfully, someone showed up at my house when I was 14 and began to show me Jesus. That led to a whole group of people in my church who loved me as I was. Looking back, what a blessing they were! I was the opposite of them, but they never, ever put me down or rejected me! They encouraged me by showing me God’s way and His love.
That created in me the idea of never taking the easy way out; never accepting status quo; never saying “what’s the use!” I have been tempted at times to quit. To just walk away. But I always think about where that would take me and I immediately reject the thought! Quitting would usually mean not pursuing God’s best and hurting someone I love or respect.
So, what is God doing or allowing through all of this turmoil and chaos? I don’t know. Maybe there is something in my life that God wants to purify. Maybe there is some lesson I need to learn or a truth I need to live, not just know about. Maybe there is a battle in the heavens that would mean more lives touched by CARE. I’m just not sure…
But, I do know that I will not quit.